MOVING ON…

19Jul09

Don’t kill me but i moved blog again..PLEASE relink me @ www.burnoutbrightly.blogspot.com! =) PROMISE i wont move again for at LEAST a year.

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Everybody’s someone

14Jul09

And every day begins the same
Get up, go out, come back again
Same old, same old

A thousand faces pass you by
You never look into their eyes

You feel so ordinary
They feel so ordinary

Hey
Everybody’s someone
No matter where you come from
there’s light in every single star
You’re more than who you think you are
And hey
Everybody’s someone
And when it’s hard to hold on
Remember you are not alone
This house is everybody’s home

And every day we seem to chase
The perfect smile, the perfect face
Same old, same old
Same old

For every one who gets to shine
A million more are left behind
They feel so ordinary
You feel so ordinary

Hey
Everybody’s someone
No matter where you come from
there’s light in every single star
You’re more than who you think you are
And hey
Everybody’s someone
And when it’s hard to hold on
Remember you are not alone
This house is everybody’s home

From a king to a common man
We’re all part of a greater plan
Oh
There’s light in every single star
You’re more than who you think you are
Hey
Everybody’s someone
When it’s hard to hold on
Remember you are not alone
This house is everybody’s home

-LeAnn Rimes

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Soundtrack of my semester

12Jul09

1. Long Time Coming, Oliver James
2. Fire, Augustana
3. Magic, Colbie Cailat
4. Together, Michelle Branch
5. Someday We’ll Know, Mandy Moore & Jon Foreman
6. P. D. A. (We Just Don’t Care), John Legend

***

On a somewhat related note, this semester (which happens to be my last) the realization hit extra hard…

that I have the AWESOMEST friends.

You guys made the past two and a half years unforgettable, and in the last year especially, you’ve become like family. And I don’t regret a single moment we’ve spent together, although if I could go back and do things differently, the one thing I would change is that I’d have let you into my life sooner.

I’m a few-but-close-friends kinda girl, and I usually don’t find it difficult to move on and leave behind a group of friends. But this time I’m going to miss the Circle like anything.

So many memories, so many firsts, so many experiences, so many surprises… Like early morning last-minute cramming before exams, planning birthday surprises for each other, CAMP, ‘Circle stuff’ *wink*, staying up all night and sleeping by the pool, ‘chill-out ’study’ sessions at probably half the Starbucks outlets in the Klang Valley and one particular Coffeebean outlet, Klang trips and Bak Kut Teh sessions, drinking sessions at Piccadily’s, dance practices and gym sessions, CHILLI’S and bottomless tostadas, getting in trouble at college and sticking up for and defending each other, and so on. And despite all the occasional disagreements and ’scandals’… we managed to stick together and this year, more than ever, you guys have shown me just how much I matter by being there for me in so many ways.

To the Circle: Gal, Andrew, Josh, En Ai, Chev, Levi, Hajok, Jon… you guys have made college amazing for me. Thanks for all the memories

To the inner Circle:

Gal – You ALWAYS manage to make me feel better when I’m down… and whenever anyone else is stressed out, you always lighten the mood with some random remark. But beyond that, thanks for being there for me when I needed someone to talk to… for your unique brand of ‘Gal wisdom’. Lol. For always being so unselfish and so generous with your time and ability to cheer people up. You’re a gem of a friend, Gal, and not everyone has a friend like that, so I’m proud to be one of them who do.

Andrew – The last time I did one of these blogposts with personal messages to the Circle, I said that although I didn’t know you very well, I believe there’s more to you than meets the eye. I’m glad things have changed since then. And although I still don’t know you very well, I think  know you a lot better. Or at least certain aspects *ahem* of your life, thanks to one certain Saturday lunch followed by sitting in Starbucks for hours talking.  Thanks for being so fun to hang out with (except when it comes to choosing where to eat… pfft… ), and I’m going to miss your lame humor when you leave for U.S. (P/S – When are you going to lend me your phone la? *wink wink*)

Chev - Honestly, babe, I have to say one thing: I can’t believe I waited this long to get to know you better. You’re probably the only girl in college I’ve gotten this close to, and I kinda regret that it didn’t happen sooner. You’re one of the coolest, most open-minded, and independent chicks I’ve met, and even though sometimes you doubt yourself, I really admire you for so many things. I know sometimes it feels like an act trying to put on this strong front… but I believe that inside, you already are such a strong person… don’t let the world tell you otherwise. Thanks for all the concern and care you’ve shown me when I needed it… and for allowing me to open up to you.

Levi - I’ve said before that among the circle, I probably know you the least. But I think the past couple of weeks pretty much made up for it. I don’t think you know the impact you’ve had on my life in the past few months even though we’ve hardly talked or hung out much. All those Paulo Coelho books, stolen movies and music… they played a HUGE role in my life from helping make decisions to helping me deal with things. But of course there’s more to thank you for than your media collection. Lol. Like how I don’t know what it is but you always manage to make me feel better when I’m emo (although half the time you sparked the emo thoughts… haha… kidding) with just a few words or even without saying anything at all. Thanks for being there and for listening (all those online Gmail chats… lol), for the company, and then some.

Josh – It’s been a heck of a rollercoaster ride amidst all the crazy circumstances – but I’m glad that despite it all we managed to get to where we are now, while making some great memories along the way. Thanks for always being the one I could talk to, rely on, count on, whenever I needed it. It’s not going to be the same when you’re gone, but that said, you already know how excited I am for you to take this next big step. So there are still a lot of unanswered questions… but the important thing is to live the moment and look at what’s coming next. Make the best of the next season of your life… and know that I’ll be back here rooting for you.

*HUGS*

*Sighs in contented bliss*

And now it’s SERIOUSLY time to get back to studying… Sobs…

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Desert

11Jul09

Today I let the tears fall freely.

It’s been so long since I allowed myself to cry, so long that I can’t even remember the last time I cried.

How did I get so far from where I used to be?

What happened to that vulnerable, trusting person I used to be? When did I become so guarded and defensive, so wary and disillusioned?

Somewhere, somehow, I lost my way… and I’m tired of groping around in the dark trying to find my way back to the light. I’m tired of pretending I know the way. I’m tired of being judged because I sometimes question or doubt. I’m so, so tired of the pretending.

I’m so tired of pretending everything’s okay, pretending like it’s fine and that I’m getting by. I’m fed up with doing the ‘right thing’ or saying the ‘right words’ when all I’m doing is going through the motions and my heart is so, so far away.

I’m so close to giving up because I’m so tired of striving, of pushing on, of putting on a smile and picking myself up and trying not to disappoint more people again. I’m tired of maintaining that ‘role model’ example that people hold me up to. Because I feel like such a fake going through the motions… all the while knowing all the shit I do that nobody else sees.

Why can’t we be real? Yes, I struggle, but am I the only one? Am I the only one who feels so far from home, so far from the way things used to be? Am I the only one who’s fallen so hard and feels like I can’t get up? Am I the only one afraid to ask for help because I’m tired of being judged, condemned, and told what I should or should not do?

As much as it feels like I am sometimes, watching people around me act like they have it all together… I know I can’t be the only one. And I could ask why then do we pretend… but then wouldn’t I just be part of the problem?

And so today I’m going to start by admitting that I’ve fallen. I’m going to admit that I need help. I’m going to admit that this front I put up is just a front – and that inside I’m the most messed-up person you could meet. I’m tired of pretending I can go on like this – because I know that the life I’m living now can be so much more… and I know it because I’ve been there before, but I lost it along the way.

Today I’m going to admit that I need You in my life so bad… and that without you, I am nothing. I don’t deserve your grace but somehow you see something worth loving in this screwed-up, messed-up life. And because of that, I’m letting the tears fall, letting the pain flow… letting Your love and grace wrap around me and heal the wounds, wounds inflicted mostly by myself and my mistakes.

Today I’m going to let myself long for what I once had… to long to once again get lost in You, not caring what anyone else thinks but just soaking in Your presence. I’m tired of letting disappointment and disillusionment with religion and church keep me from You, because at the end of the day, all of that doesn’t matter… and I want to go back to the place where it was just about You and me. I’m tired of being told how I should feel or being given advice on what I should do… I want to go back to pursuing You for myself – in a crazy, desperate, need-you-more-than-anything way because I miss losing myself getting caught up in You, losing track of time, of others around me, of everything else, and because I know I can’t go on one more day living the way I’ve been anymore.

This is my prayer in the desert
And all that’s within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides

And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames

And this is my prayer in the battle
And triumph is still on it’s way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I’ll stand

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

-Desert Song, Hillsongs

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Someday

11Jul09

Ninety miles outside Chicago
Can’t stop driving
I don’t know why
So many questions
I Need an answer
Two years later
He’s still on my mind
Whatever happened to Amelia Earhart?
Who holds the stars up in the sky?
Is true love just once in a lifetime?
Did the captain of the Titanic cry?

Does anybody know the way to Atlantis?
Or what the wind says when she cries?
I’m speeding by the place that I met you
For the 97th time…Tonight

Someday we’ll know
If love can move a mountain
Someday we’ll know
Why the sky is blue
Someday we’ll know
Why I wasn’t meant for you…

Someday we’ll know
Why Samson loved Delilah?
One day I’ll go
Dancing on the moon
Someday you’ll know
That I was the one for you….

I bought a ticket to the end of the rainbow,
I watched the stars crash in the sea,
If I could ask God just one question…
Why aren’t you here with me tonight?

-Someday We’ll Know, Mandy Moore & Jon Foreman

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Pages from a journal

11Jul09

But where to begin?
Throwing caution to the wind,
We reached for the stars
Everything was now ours.

Did you know how you would move me, did you know?
Did you know how you would move me?
Well, I don’t even think so.
But the moment’s magic swept us away.
And it’s so close, but we’re so far away.

— Mae, We’re So Close

We’ve all been there – coming so close to happiness, so close to the one shot at having the one thing you’ve always wanted or dreamed of. And just when you’ve come so close, it slips through your fingers. When that happens, it’s so easy to feel cheated by life, to feel disappointed that things didn’t turn out the way you wanted them to… to feel like sometimes it’s just not fair.

The last few days were spent questioning and wondering… if I did the right thing… if I made a mistake… Then my playlist starts playing “Magic”… and I’m brought back to a different place from where I’m standing now. To a place where it doesn’t seem so confusing… to a place where it’s easy and uncomplicated. And then I realize that no matter where I may choose to go from here – it was worth if – if not for where I am right now, then for all those ‘magic’ moments.Because it’s in all these little moments that I find hope. Hope that the impossible love I’ve always dreamed of but hardly dare to hope for is out there waiting for me to find it. Maybe I’ll find it with him. Or maybe we might not find our way back to each other. Maybe I’ll find it with someone else. That’s life – full of maybes… full of chances to find happiness.

Sometimes it feels like our last chance is gone, our one shot at happiness blown to pieces. Like we’ll never ever find that kind of love again. But it doesn’t mean another chance doesn’t exist, just maybe sometimes we’re afraid to look for it, because we don’t want to get burned again.

It’s scary living by taking chances and risks – but isn’t that what love is all about in the first place? Risking everything on the notion that there’s a chance that there could be something better than the way things are now? And isn’t love what gives our fleeting lives that deeper meaning?

Even when we look and can’t seem to find another chance in those times where we feel like we’ve lost it all… maybe we still have the chance for hope. The chance to taste a glimpse of what could be… as long we keep hoping, with our eyes wide open to all the chances life brings our way. Sometimes, like today, hope’s enough to keep me going until I’m able to see another chance coming my way.

***

We both know that we need to find ourselves first before we’ll ever find ‘us’… and that if we are really meant to be then we’ll find our way back to each other after we’ve journeyed the separate roads we’re meant to take first. Maybe goodbye doesn’t have to mean the end of the story, just the end of a chapter. But maybe that has to happen so another chapter can begin.I don’t want to skip all the pages in between just to get to the ending. I want to live out every chapter of my life.

***

In this digital age, it’s so easy to be connected – cellphones, instant messaging, Twitter, blogs, Facebook. We settle for illusions of intimacy by surrounding ourselves with constant connectivity.

What if being alone doesn’t mean being unloved and unwanted? We can be surrounded by people… but that doesn’t necessarily make us feel any less alone. And yet you can be with one person and feel like the most loved and wanted person in the whole world. Or even if you’re alone – you can choose to love yourself, and as Paulo Coelho writes, the more you love the more love you end up attracting.

Today I drove home slow, raindrops pattering on my windscreen, listening to soothing tunes of bossa nova on my iPod. I was alone, cut off from any form of communication for a good 45 minutes during the drive home. And it gave me the time to process the events of the day, to unwind, to listen to what my soul was saying… to just soak in the moment and the knowledge that I am alone… and I am at peace.

I want a lot of things. And there’s some things that are much better when there’s someone else or a group of people to share it with. But sometimes, myself is enough.

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The silver lining

25Jun09

I’ve always believed that (pardon the cliche) every cloud has a silver lining, and I continue to hold fast to my belief. Being grounded (for the first time in my life) for the past week, having my computer time severely limited because my adapter died, and being driven around everywhere by my parents (who have taken a week’s leave from work) has taught me a number of invaluable lessons. I’ve learnt that:

1. Despite the natural instinct to be angry and wanting to rebel… I’ve actually missed having my parents around… I’ve missed having someone to drive me so I can rest or nap in the car… I’ve missed having someone to accompany me when I go places… I’ve missed coming home to the smell of home-cooked food and steaming hot soup… I’ve missed being able to just talk and have conversations with my family members because we’re in the same car or having dinner at the same time instead of always having constantly different schedules and eating at different times. I don’t miss certain things like the nagging and of course I still need my own space… But I missed the feeling of… family. You can have all the friends in the world but when you don’t have that feeling of family… somehow you still feel so alone in this world. My family’s not perfect, but what I have is better than those who have nothing at all… or who have families but feel isolated from them, like I sometimes do.

2. No matter how angry or frustrated I can get with my parents and feel like they don’t understand me… it’s impossible to not love them for even the littlest thing they do get right as parents. For the tiniest effort they make. Because at the end of the day, nothing will change the fact that they are your parents and it’s natural to want to love them and to want their approval… and it’s natural for them to have a certain hold or effect on you in the things they do and say. And this should make me realize that likewise, even though I always feel like I’m a failure or disappointment as a child, it’s impossible for them not to love me even though I find it so hard to believe sometimes. Maybe I need to have a little more faith. And maybe they need to know that I too, feel the same way.

3. I’ve always shared the same sentiment as many bloggers… that their blog is a reflection of themselves and a means of freely expressing their individuality… and thus they do not believe in censoring themselves or erasing a post because it offended someone (and I respect the views and rights of those who believe so). I’ve also always believed (and I wrote a paper for my moral class on a related topic) that although in any free society individuals have the freedom of choice and self-expression, their actions should not harm anyone physically. In other words, I believe a person should be free to make his or her own choices and express himself or herself in the ways they want to as long as they are not a danger or threat to somebody else. Ultimate freedom does not exist – legally and morally – because it must be tampered by responsibility. Every freedom comes with its responsibilities.

However, I’ve come to realize that in exercising my freedom, I can harm someone emotionally as much as physically. And that responsibility to avoid that kind of harm is something that I should take as seriously as physical harm. In other words, I may be able to say what I want to say… but if I do so with the knowledge that it is going to harm someone emotionally, isn’t that as good as deliberately hurting someone physically? And here’s the thing… we always say that you can’t take back your words once they’re spoken… but would we if we could? I believe sometimes we would… that is why we apologize for saying certain things. And so, when you blog… you actually do have the power to literally take back or erase what you said not necessarily because you didn’t mean it when you said it or because you are censoring yourself to please others – but because you have the responsibility of ensuring that no one, at least to your knowledge, will get hurt by reading it.

4. We have the power of choice, and I think one choice we do not exercise enough is the choice to say “I’m sorry”… because of pride… because the other party may have wronged you as well… because it’s difficult and awkward. Maybe we forget to see that it’s as much as choice as any other action is a choice. Why is it so difficult?

5. Humans aren’t perfect and we’ll keep making mistakes, but it’s so, so important to be real. At the end of the day, I can make a million mistakes and cause people to wonder if I’m on the right track or if I’m selling out or compromising my values… but as long as I can keep fighting to make the ones who matter see that I’m trying, I’m learning, I’m growing… I will. Even if it means admitting my flaws and mistakes. Even if it means being real. Because I’d rather be an imperfect, real, human being, than a perfect, but fake plastic Barbie. Literally and figuratively. And here’s the real deal – I’m reckless, I’m impulsive, I’m curious, I’m stubborn like I’ve always been. Some things don’t change. And the very things that can be my greatest downfalls I’d like to believe can also be my greatest strengths.

As an ancient proverb goes: “To everyone is given the key to heaven; the same key opens the gates of hell.” Likewise, my recklessness sometimes leads me to act without thinking but it also makes me brave and daring to choose the harder way because I know it’s the right way. My curiosity sometimes gets me in trouble but it hasn’t stopped me from hungering and grasping for truth. My impulsiveness makes me do stupid things sometimes but it keeps life interesting. My stubbornness makes me seem rebellious and proud but it’s that very stubbornness that makes me refuse to give up trying to be better even though sometimes I just want to throw in the towel.

And it’s all those things – the good and the bad – that make me who I am. I’m tired of pretending and trying to be perfect – because this side of heaven, I’ll never be. I’ll keep disappointing people but it will not be on purpose and I will keep trying to make them see that I can change and I can grow… but one thing I can never be is perfect and fake.

The greatest discovery of my generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitudes. ~William James

People seem not to see that their opinion of the world is also a confession of character. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson, “Worship,” The Conduct of Life, 1860

Man is a knot into which relationships are tied. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, Flight to Arras, 1942, translated from French by Lewis Galantière

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. ~The Apostle Paul, Romans 12:2 (NIV)

The time is coming – it has, in fact, come – when what you’re called will not matter and where you go to worship will not matter. It’s who you are and the way you live that count before God. ~The Apostle John, John 4 (MSG)

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The energy of love

21Jun09

“We can harness the energy of the winds, the seas, the sun. But the day man learns to harness the energy of love, that will be as important as the discovery of fire.” -Tielhard de Chardin

“If someone is capable of loving his partner without restrictions, unconditionally, then he is manifesting the love of God. If the love of God becomes manifest, he will love his neighbor, If he loves his neighbor, he will love himself. If he loves himself, then everything returns to its proper place. History changes.

“History will never change because of politics or conquests or theories or wars; that’s just more repetition, it’s been going on since the beginning of time. History will only change when we are able to use the energy of love, just as we use the energy of the wind, the seas, the atom.” -Paulo Coelho, The Zahir

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Love is a raging river

15Jun09

I found this on someone’s blog the other day:

I can’t remember the day it began but for the past month of so, I began listening to my heart again. I began giving myself permission to think, feel, and say things I normally wouldn’t have. I gave the Child inside of me back its voice, and I listened to what it was saying. The Child inside made me want to dream, laugh, cry, play, explore, question everything. There was another side of me that didn’t want to hear what the Child was saying, didn’t want to lose control of this controlled, composed person it had built me up to be. And so I struggled within myself – both the Child and the other side of me at two opposite ends; one wanting me to surrender control and find true freedom, the other wanting me to grasp for control to avoid disappointment.

But the Child had been given it’s voice back, and it would not keep quiet. The Child’s voice stirred up again hidden dreams, deep desires locked away so tightly I’d forgotten they were still there. The Child called, screamed, cried, beckoned, and I was drawn to its voice. I wanted to obey it, I wanted to rebel against the way I’d been living my life before this – scared and afraid. I once listened to the Child and let it tell me what it wanted to, but like so many people, I allowed the voices of the other side of me and society to drown the Child out. I was tired of living the same way, of trying to conform to what I thought I should be and what others expected of me. The Child spoke of new adventures and strange, foreign places, and made me thirst for something fresh.

The Child spoke, and I listened. I listened to my heart. I listened to the Child inside my heart. And slowly, refreshing gusts of wind began to stir up the dust and cobwebs gathering in my heart; it began to stir up the bitterness, hatred, pain, and anger that I’d let pile up in the attic of my heart. Then, suddenly, the wind picked up speed, and began to toss and throw everything about. It blew and raged, with such force and fury that could not have been held back by then even if I had listened to the other side of me that wanted me to stay in control. There was no stopping it anymore.

Then, as quickly as it came, the raging wind quelled, and there was silence. I couldn’t hear the voice of the other side of me anymore. And I didn’t care about the voices of society. When the dust had settled, there was no more bitterness, hatred, and resentment left. It had been all blown away, leaving an empty space where dust and cobwebs had once collected. Enough space for love to come in. And it did. It trickled in, a few drops at first, and I was hesitant, because I knew once I let love flood in, it would engulf me and drown me and I would lose all control. But I kept listening to the voice of the Child, and it told me to surrender. I did, and those rivers of love would not be held back any longer. All those rivers held behind floodgates for so long gathered up all their force and energy, and the dam broke. Love, undefined, unrestrained, unquestioned, unchecked, came rushing in, filling up every corner of my heart that had once been dry. It tore its way through my heart with all the desire of a person separated from a lover for many nights. My heart ached, and leaped; I laughed, and wept.

My heart began to sing again the song of love it had once sang. It made no difference how long ago the first song had been, how much bitterness and dust had gathered since then. It sang as if it was the very first time it were singing. It was a song that grew louder and louder, and more complex, and more beautiful. More and more voices joined its song; it was as if all of heaven heard the song and all the angels sang along with it.

When my heart had sang all it needed to, for the moment, there was no need for anything else but silence – quiet, reflective, awed, reverent silence. I closed my eyes and sent a silent prayer to the heavens -  to a God I had come so close to doubting, to turning my back on – because love had once again flooded my life.

And the Child inside smiled.

Filed under: Expressions, Inspiration   |  1 Comment

Questions

12Jun09

Jon Chu, this one is for you/semi-inspired by you. Enjoy! =)

And also, speaking of questions, I discovered this uber-cool website, SoulPancake, while Googling “questions”.

What is SoulPancake? Well, it’s more of a mission than a Web site…

We want to make discussions about Spirituality, Creativity, and Philosophy cool again. Were they ever cool? I have no idea. But it seems like a good idea. We want to engage the user to “Chew on Life’s Big Questions”™. (I was kidding about the ™ symbol; you can use that phrase however you want. Even to sell frozen taquitos.) Where do you go on the Interwebs if you want an irreverent, fun, and profound take on God and Art and the Soul and Faith and Beauty? Fox.com? Maybe. But maybe also here at SoulPancake.com.

We provide some rockin’ content (interviews, blogs, challenges, contests, features, and more), but it’s really all about having YOU—the SoulPancake community—bring this site to life. Say what’s on your mind. Be real. Talk about WHY WE’RE HERE. And if I say something that offends you, let me have it.

Just remember: Life is a rich, weird, difficult experience. So join us as we go on the spiritual and artistic journey that is SoulPancake.

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