The silver lining

25Jun09

I’ve always believed that (pardon the cliche) every cloud has a silver lining, and I continue to hold fast to my belief. Being grounded (for the first time in my life) for the past week, having my computer time severely limited because my adapter died, and being driven around everywhere by my parents (who have taken a week’s leave from work) has taught me a number of invaluable lessons. I’ve learnt that:

1. Despite the natural instinct to be angry and wanting to rebel… I’ve actually missed having my parents around… I’ve missed having someone to drive me so I can rest or nap in the car… I’ve missed having someone to accompany me when I go places… I’ve missed coming home to the smell of home-cooked food and steaming hot soup… I’ve missed being able to just talk and have conversations with my family members because we’re in the same car or having dinner at the same time instead of always having constantly different schedules and eating at different times. I don’t miss certain things like the nagging and of course I still need my own space… But I missed the feeling of… family. You can have all the friends in the world but when you don’t have that feeling of family… somehow you still feel so alone in this world. My family’s not perfect, but what I have is better than those who have nothing at all… or who have families but feel isolated from them, like I sometimes do.

2. No matter how angry or frustrated I can get with my parents and feel like they don’t understand me… it’s impossible to not love them for even the littlest thing they do get right as parents. For the tiniest effort they make. Because at the end of the day, nothing will change the fact that they are your parents and it’s natural to want to love them and to want their approval… and it’s natural for them to have a certain hold or effect on you in the things they do and say. And this should make me realize that likewise, even though I always feel like I’m a failure or disappointment as a child, it’s impossible for them not to love me even though I find it so hard to believe sometimes. Maybe I need to have a little more faith. And maybe they need to know that I too, feel the same way.

3. I’ve always shared the same sentiment as many bloggers… that their blog is a reflection of themselves and a means of freely expressing their individuality… and thus they do not believe in censoring themselves or erasing a post because it offended someone (and I respect the views and rights of those who believe so). I’ve also always believed (and I wrote a paper for my moral class on a related topic) that although in any free society individuals have the freedom of choice and self-expression, their actions should not harm anyone physically. In other words, I believe a person should be free to make his or her own choices and express himself or herself in the ways they want to as long as they are not a danger or threat to somebody else. Ultimate freedom does not exist – legally and morally – because it must be tampered by responsibility. Every freedom comes with its responsibilities.

However, I’ve come to realize that in exercising my freedom, I can harm someone emotionally as much as physically. And that responsibility to avoid that kind of harm is something that I should take as seriously as physical harm. In other words, I may be able to say what I want to say… but if I do so with the knowledge that it is going to harm someone emotionally, isn’t that as good as deliberately hurting someone physically? And here’s the thing… we always say that you can’t take back your words once they’re spoken… but would we if we could? I believe sometimes we would… that is why we apologize for saying certain things. And so, when you blog… you actually do have the power to literally take back or erase what you said not necessarily because you didn’t mean it when you said it or because you are censoring yourself to please others – but because you have the responsibility of ensuring that no one, at least to your knowledge, will get hurt by reading it.

4. We have the power of choice, and I think one choice we do not exercise enough is the choice to say “I’m sorry”… because of pride… because the other party may have wronged you as well… because it’s difficult and awkward. Maybe we forget to see that it’s as much as choice as any other action is a choice. Why is it so difficult?

5. Humans aren’t perfect and we’ll keep making mistakes, but it’s so, so important to be real. At the end of the day, I can make a million mistakes and cause people to wonder if I’m on the right track or if I’m selling out or compromising my values… but as long as I can keep fighting to make the ones who matter see that I’m trying, I’m learning, I’m growing… I will. Even if it means admitting my flaws and mistakes. Even if it means being real. Because I’d rather be an imperfect, real, human being, than a perfect, but fake plastic Barbie. Literally and figuratively. And here’s the real deal – I’m reckless, I’m impulsive, I’m curious, I’m stubborn like I’ve always been. Some things don’t change. And the very things that can be my greatest downfalls I’d like to believe can also be my greatest strengths.

As an ancient proverb goes: “To everyone is given the key to heaven; the same key opens the gates of hell.” Likewise, my recklessness sometimes leads me to act without thinking but it also makes me brave and daring to choose the harder way because I know it’s the right way. My curiosity sometimes gets me in trouble but it hasn’t stopped me from hungering and grasping for truth. My impulsiveness makes me do stupid things sometimes but it keeps life interesting. My stubbornness makes me seem rebellious and proud but it’s that very stubbornness that makes me refuse to give up trying to be better even though sometimes I just want to throw in the towel.

And it’s all those things – the good and the bad – that make me who I am. I’m tired of pretending and trying to be perfect – because this side of heaven, I’ll never be. I’ll keep disappointing people but it will not be on purpose and I will keep trying to make them see that I can change and I can grow… but one thing I can never be is perfect and fake.

The greatest discovery of my generation is that a human being can alter his life by altering his attitudes. ~William James

People seem not to see that their opinion of the world is also a confession of character. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson, “Worship,” The Conduct of Life, 1860

Man is a knot into which relationships are tied. ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, Flight to Arras, 1942, translated from French by Lewis Galantière

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. ~The Apostle Paul, Romans 12:2 (NIV)

The time is coming – it has, in fact, come – when what you’re called will not matter and where you go to worship will not matter. It’s who you are and the way you live that count before God. ~The Apostle John, John 4 (MSG)

Filed under: Faith, Reflections, Yours truly   |  4 Comments