Pages from a journal

11Jul09

But where to begin?
Throwing caution to the wind,
We reached for the stars
Everything was now ours.

Did you know how you would move me, did you know?
Did you know how you would move me?
Well, I don’t even think so.
But the moment’s magic swept us away.
And it’s so close, but we’re so far away.

— Mae, We’re So Close

We’ve all been there – coming so close to happiness, so close to the one shot at having the one thing you’ve always wanted or dreamed of. And just when you’ve come so close, it slips through your fingers. When that happens, it’s so easy to feel cheated by life, to feel disappointed that things didn’t turn out the way you wanted them to… to feel like sometimes it’s just not fair.

The last few days were spent questioning and wondering… if I did the right thing… if I made a mistake… Then my playlist starts playing “Magic”… and I’m brought back to a different place from where I’m standing now. To a place where it doesn’t seem so confusing… to a place where it’s easy and uncomplicated. And then I realize that no matter where I may choose to go from here – it was worth if – if not for where I am right now, then for all those ‘magic’ moments.Because it’s in all these little moments that I find hope. Hope that the impossible love I’ve always dreamed of but hardly dare to hope for is out there waiting for me to find it. Maybe I’ll find it with him. Or maybe we might not find our way back to each other. Maybe I’ll find it with someone else. That’s life – full of maybes… full of chances to find happiness.

Sometimes it feels like our last chance is gone, our one shot at happiness blown to pieces. Like we’ll never ever find that kind of love again. But it doesn’t mean another chance doesn’t exist, just maybe sometimes we’re afraid to look for it, because we don’t want to get burned again.

It’s scary living by taking chances and risks – but isn’t that what love is all about in the first place? Risking everything on the notion that there’s a chance that there could be something better than the way things are now? And isn’t love what gives our fleeting lives that deeper meaning?

Even when we look and can’t seem to find another chance in those times where we feel like we’ve lost it all… maybe we still have the chance for hope. The chance to taste a glimpse of what could be… as long we keep hoping, with our eyes wide open to all the chances life brings our way. Sometimes, like today, hope’s enough to keep me going until I’m able to see another chance coming my way.

***

We both know that we need to find ourselves first before we’ll ever find ‘us’… and that if we are really meant to be then we’ll find our way back to each other after we’ve journeyed the separate roads we’re meant to take first. Maybe goodbye doesn’t have to mean the end of the story, just the end of a chapter. But maybe that has to happen so another chapter can begin.I don’t want to skip all the pages in between just to get to the ending. I want to live out every chapter of my life.

***

In this digital age, it’s so easy to be connected – cellphones, instant messaging, Twitter, blogs, Facebook. We settle for illusions of intimacy by surrounding ourselves with constant connectivity.

What if being alone doesn’t mean being unloved and unwanted? We can be surrounded by people… but that doesn’t necessarily make us feel any less alone. And yet you can be with one person and feel like the most loved and wanted person in the whole world. Or even if you’re alone – you can choose to love yourself, and as Paulo Coelho writes, the more you love the more love you end up attracting.

Today I drove home slow, raindrops pattering on my windscreen, listening to soothing tunes of bossa nova on my iPod. I was alone, cut off from any form of communication for a good 45 minutes during the drive home. And it gave me the time to process the events of the day, to unwind, to listen to what my soul was saying… to just soak in the moment and the knowledge that I am alone… and I am at peace.

I want a lot of things. And there’s some things that are much better when there’s someone else or a group of people to share it with. But sometimes, myself is enough.

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